"Whatever it is, I’m blaming you."
This scene. You know why it got to me so much? Aside from Jensen’s brilliant nuanced facial expressions and acting, I mean. The way he delivers these emotions ranging from desperation to sadness to anger to this sheer and really frighteningly sort of crazy look in his eyes, that makes him not resemble Dean at all anymore (imo)… When he is saying, that he blames Metatron for Kevin’s death, for Cas’ losing his grace, for basically every other thing that happened and that went wayside, he really is not just talking about Metatron and placing the blame on him. In the end, even if consciously he knows, that this power hungry angel is responsible for many horrible things, it’s still Dean, who carries the blame. It’s still Dean, who feels responsible. It’s still Dean, who feels guilty. And how could it be any different? He has been operating this way for days and weeks and months and years (“Something happens, I feel responsible, all right? The Lindbergh baby — that’s on me. Unemployment — my bad.”). And now he is finally collapsing like a house of cards. Embracing this confrontation of his final fight. Not just taking it out on Metatron, but in a way also on himself. In a similar fashion as when he was torturing Gadreel, where he was torturing himself as well. So he goes into this battle, no matter what the consequences, welcoming the hurt and the pain, because maybe in a weird way - and even though he is longing for nothingness - it makes him feel alive. For those last few minutes of his life. It’s his way of saying sorry, of righting his wrongs, of paying for his mistakes. Though when death comes, he is not ready and he does not want to die, he just wants to be whole, just wants to be held, just wants to feel home and… loved. And he is loved, but it might be too late for him to realize. And just to make this depressing post even more depressing, let me say quickly that I couldn’t help put feel reminded of the entire dialogue between Sam and Dean in 8x14 “Trial and Error”. Because it sheds light on why he knocked Sam out before he was searching out Metatron in the homeless camp. He wanted Sam to be save, to be alive, because in Dean’s mind this whole thing and dying - the trials and the hunting and everything in between - never should have been Sam’s fight, but his. For years… His perfect ending involves his death and the life of the ones, he loves most.
8x14 “Trial and Error”
Sam: “You are not going alone, I am coming with you.”
Sam: “They are on lockdown and you need back up.”
Dean: “No I don’t. I need you to be save, that’s what I need?”
Sam: “What? When am I, when are we ever save?”
Dean: “This is different.”
Dean: “Because of the three trials crap. God’s little obstacle course. We have been down this road before, man. With Yellow Eyes, Lucifer, Dick fricking Roman. We both know where this ends. One of dies. Or worse.
Sam: “So what you just decided it’s going to be you?”
Dean: “I’m a grunt, Sam. You are not. You always have been the brains of this operation. And you told me yourself you see a way out. You see a light of this ugly ass tunnel, I don’t. But I tell you what I do know: That I am going to die with a gun in my hand. Cause that’s what I have waiting for me. That’s all I have waiting for me. I want yout to get out. I want you to have a life. Become a men of Letters whatever. You with a wife and kids and grandkids living to your fat and bald and chugging viagra. That is my perfect ending. And it’s the only one that I’m going to get. So I’m gonna do these trials. I’m gonna do them alone. End of story.”
And isn’t it infinitely sad, that he was sort of right in the end? He died - not with a gun - but with a blade in his hands. And what happened afterwards by all means counts as “worse than death”…
Just found this in my drafts, I’ve been hanging on to it for ages!
God knows if I wanted to add something more than YES THIS^
I will say though - maybe he didn’t want to die, but I do think taking on Metatron was a conscious suicide mission for Dean. He may want to live, but he 100% believes that him dying is the best thing, so he has accepted and resigned himself to that - for years now. It’s not the ending he wants, but it is what he believes to be his ‘perfect ending,’ as Jenny quotes, because as he sees it him being alive is selfish and the cause of nothing but pain.
And oh - now his ‘perfect ending’ has turned out to be not perfect at all but his worst nightmare.Infinitely sad indeed!